It’s hard to believe it’s been almost one year since I completely changed careers. It was the third career change for me in 14 years. I began in sports marketing, jumped to church youth work, and in August of 2015, I set about the task of scaling Mt. Stay-At-Home-Mother. (I’m still climbing.)
At my previous jobs, the passing of another year brought about the dreaded Annual Performance Review. Since motherhood reminds me a lot of the corporate world (never a shortage of smelly leftovers in the fridge, lots of short people who won’t stop talking, everyone sitting around waiting for happy hour), I thought I’d take the liberty of imagining how my new bosses (AKA: my kids) would evaluate my performance.
Annual Performance Review for the period ending July 31, 2016
Completed by Owen (age: 3) and Betsy (age: 1), as imagined by their mother (age: yeah, right).
- Honesty: You know how sometimes we catch her in the kitchen shoving food in her mouth? And we ask what she’s eating, and she says “vegetables”? I’m pretty sure she’s not eating vegetables. Just sayin’.
- Work Quality: Well, we meet a vast majority of our developmental milestones, we’ve yet to yell a profanity in public, and despite our best efforts, we’ve never tasted her wine. How’s that for quality?
- Creativity: From the looks of her Pinterest page, this lady inspired Martha Stewart’s career. Remember that time she made Easter Bunny pancakes? Amazing.
- Technical Skills: Her working knowledge of the remote control is second-to-none. There is no one who can locate a recorded episode of Curious George faster at the end of a long day.
- Enthusiasm: She sings. She dances. She uses funny voices when she reads stories. She often changes out of her pajamas.
- Attendance: She’s ALWAYS here! Yes, always! It’s amazing, really. She’s never missed a day. Do you think she knows that we’d be alright if she missed a day? Did someone forget to explain to her how vacation days work? We should tell her. Nahhhh…
- Communication Skills: She’s always saying to us “good things happen to good listeners.” Does anyone know what that means?
- Other comments: This employee is the best employee for our company. Other companies might not appreciate her as much as we do, and that’s why we are glad she landed here. She deserves a raise, a long vacation, a company car, and some sort of certificate. Though she probably won’t get any of those things, we’re sure she’ll stick around. Maybe we can give her some extra slobbery kisses to show our appreciation.
There’s no doubt this “new career” has challenged and delighted me in ways I never could’ve imagined. The successes I’ve enjoyed this year are the result of the support of my husband, my mom friends, my therapist, and my two “bosses,” who are the most patient, forgiving, hysterical, and fascinating people I’ve ever met.