I am not what you would call a “graceful” pregnant lady. You know those ladies, right? The ones who seem to glide through pregnancy without a care in the world claiming to actually have more energy now and look as though they are smuggling an adorable basketball under their shirt while on their way to model for the cover of a maternity fashion magazine every single day? I am the opposite of that. I fall asleep if not stimulated for three minutes, and I look like my body is storing fat all over just in case a famine hits. Even after a pregnancy loss, followed by the loss of a twin in utero, and then promising whomever would listen I would be more graceful if the other baby would just stick around, I struggled to achieve the level of grace I had envisioned for my pregnant self due to having my head in the toilet and suffering from Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (which makes walking impossible some days).
Thankfully, that baby did stick around, and after her birth, my husband and I knew that would be our last pregnancy. However, we both knew our family was not complete. We have a longing for more children. I’ve always wanted to adopt, and I suppose my difficult pregnancies may be the universe’s way of pushing me down that path.
However, adopting isn’t as easy as filling out a form and choosing a child. We have had many obstacles so far on this journey, and we have to wait until the time is right. Even though my heart aches for more children, I am trusting the process and know that our child(ren) will be given to us when the time is right.
We hope to adopt an older child closer to our children’s ages as opposed to a newborn. This brought up a very heavy realization for me years ago: our future child is most likely alive and out in this world some place. This is incredibly heartbreaking and helpless to me. It brings up so many fears and worries because let’s face it, most children being adopted later in childhood will probably experience some sort of misery. I began talking to my future child while lying awake at night and dreaming of him or her. I put all of my love and energy straight from my heart and directly to his or her heart in the hopes to begin bonding and maybe provide some sort of comfort to us both. I’ve dubbed them “heart talks” and they bring me so much comfort. Here’s what one of our heart talks may sound like:
“Hello again, sweet child. I hope you’ve had a good day. My day was pretty good. I thought of you when I saw a large family at the park. I love you. I hope you’re happy. I hope no matter what you’re going through, you feel love. I’m still coming for you. Please know that we long for you as much as you may long for us. I can’t wait for you to meet your sisters, but I’m trusting that our paths will meet in the most perfect timing. I know this can be hard. You’re being so strong and brave. One day we will all be together and all will be right in the world. Until then, I hope you find comfort in our heart talks. I’m always here. I believe you feel me the way I feel you. Feel free to send me any energy you may be experiencing, good or bad. I am here for you. Tomorrow is a new day and brings you closer to being in my arms. Until then, you will always be in my heart. I love you, my sweet child. Goodnight.”