I think I missed the mark as a parent, as a mom. I always wanted to be that fun, happy-go-lucky, life is a party, type of mom. I mean, come on, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher for most of my childhood. What happened to me? Why am I consumed by worry, schedules, anticipation, naps, meal times, and manners? This is not who I pictured myself being when I had my own children. Where did that epiphany of a woman go?
I wake up to an alarm clock, which immediately causes anxiety no matter what ringtone I choose. I attempt to wake my oldest, only to be greeted by a zombie moving in slow motion. I recite his step-by-step directions on how to get ready, only to check on him fifteen minutes later putting the same sock on. Chaos has now ensued; he can’t get another “tardy slip” at school. We run out the house, me in slippers and clutching my three year-old in a football hold. We make it by the hair of my chin (no, just me?) only to be burdened by the impending “schedule” of my youngest when we return home.
We all know that feeling, especially on a school/work night when we look at our clocks (ha, who am I kidding?), our phone, we look at our phone and realize that it’s past “bedtime.” Panic sets in and meltdowns are initiated. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think that might not be the best way to send our little ones off to lullaby land.
So at the end of today, when I came to the realization that my children were tired of hearing me say the same things over and over, I decided to make a change. I’m going to let go of meal times, cleaning up messes (with the exception of food and poor toilet aim of course), and sleep schedules. Instead of repeating the rules and being frustrated when the little ones don’t “listen,” I’m going to stop and “listen” to them. Maybe by really “seeing” them, I’ll learn something I didn’t know about my children or myself. Well, that’s at least my reasoning for this off-the-wall decision.
My goal is a week, I’ll be lucky if I last a few days. In all honesty, it is gnawing away at me as I’m writing this, knowing it is past their bedtime and they are running through the house like animals. I’ll need all your good vibes, juju, prayers, thoughts, anything to help guide me along this journey. Let’s face it, motherhood is a collaboration, we’re all just winging this together.
To be continued…
Disclaimer…this was during a three day break from school. Who am I kidding, I still may be a few peas short of a casserole.