Grieving with a Grateful Heart

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The First Miscarriage:

I was loving life. My sweet husband, our beautiful daughter, my clothing line at Belk, our new house being built. It all seemed untouchable, and it all seemed to be moving in the right direction after we discovered we were pregnant with our second. We shared the happy news with our family and friends, celebrated the first ultrasound, started talking about names and making plans. However, things didn’t continue as seamlessly as they always had, and that 11-week ultrasound on February 28th marked the beginning of the hardest year of our lives to date.

I remember the appointment like it happened yesterday- it started with so much hope and excitement. We had already had a normal ultrasound at 9-weeks and could hardly wait to see our baby again. Rob and I laughed and made small talk with the technician as she began the ultrasound. There he was again! “Aw he’s so tiny!,” I said, as she hovered over the image on the screen for a little too long. He wasn’t moving. “Is he sleeping?,” I asked like an idiot. Her face said it all, and all she said was “I’ll be right back” as she quietly slipped out of the room. It seemed like an eternity before our doctor came and looked again. “There’s no heartbeat, Megan. I’m sorry.” I didn’t believe her; I couldn’t. No heartbeat? There had to be. I still felt pregnant, I had just gotten sick that morning. I know it sounds crazy, but I was convinced they were wrong. Thank God Rob was with me. It was a blur after I heard those three words. All I managed to hear was that we needed to come back later that day. I was the crazy patient who refused to go through with the D&C until we did one more ultrasound. It only confirmed what they already knew- we lost our baby. I just didn’t understand. We had such a normal first pregnancy with our daughter; how could this one be any different? Of course we had known people who lost a baby, but you never think that can happen to you, until it does. Nothing can prepare you.

Lawton releasing birthday balloons after our first loss
Lawton releasing birthday balloons after our first loss

 

The Second Miscarriage:

We were thrilled to get pregnant again just three months after our loss, but we were cautiously optimistic. Every time I would start to worry or get scared- I would tell myself, “there is no way God would let this happen again” (I cringe writing that now). I kept reminding myself of what I had read online: “A small number of women — 1 percent — will go on to have two consecutive miscarriages.” I just knew that we had been dealt a bad hand with the last pregnancy, and I was so sure that this would be the end of it.  We just had to have this happy ending to trump the grief we had just experienced. God would give us this baby. Once we got past the 11-week mark, we breathed a sigh of relief.

Shortly after taking that deep breath, things got pretty complicated. We ended up losing our second baby boy a few days before my 14th week. It was excruciatingly painful- emotionally and physically. I had the baby. I saw him, I held him. We took pictures with him. He was the tiniest version of perfection you could ever imagine. We had to say hello and goodbye all in one moment, and as difficult as it was, I am so grateful that I got to meet our baby boy. Life would never be the same. After being in and out of the hospital and two blood transfusions later, it was finally over…but in reality, it was just beginning. I remember the moments after I got home from the hospital spent curled up on the couch (the bed was too depressing for some reason). I was an empty shell, a blank stare, still processing what had just happened – again. What would I do now? I didn’t know. The only thing I knew is that I needed to see my daughter, to hold and kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. I immediately wanted to take a hold of everything I had in my life that meant something and squeeze them so tightly so that they couldn’t slip away like our sweet babies did.

Grieving:

The days and weeks that followed were some of my darkest. It didn’t help that the due date for my first loss fell just one week after the second loss. Some of my closest friends who I was pregnant with were now having their babies, and even though I really was happy for them, I was jealous. Everything in my life at that time was a reminder of what I didn’t have, what I wanted so badly. Fortunately, my family and friends helped with Lawton allowing me to grieve and do what I needed to in order to process everything. For me, that was a lot of alone time. I wrote countless letters to my babies, I read the Bible for answers and comfort, I researched, I prayed more than I ever had in my whole life. This was a pain that I wasn’t equipped to handle on my own, and I knew I needed God to help me. Friends and family tried their best to say something that would help, but one thing that was always hard for me to hear was “this is God’s plan.” Even in my darker moments where I’m quicker to question things, I don’t think that it was. I don’t believe that God lets bad things happen or takes things as precious as a baby away from us with intention. What I believe God does do in the midst of tragedy or suffering is this: He allows something beautiful and good to come from it. My faith has never been stronger after the trials of the past year, and that is a beautiful truth.

Weeks turned into months, and slowly but surely, I began spending less time crying each day and more time focusing on what made me happy. I began to see Lawton in a different way than I had before. She had always been a blessing to us, but whether it’s okay to admit or not, she was an even bigger blessing to us now. Of course we wanted our baby boys to be here so badly, but we also knew that God had given us this beautiful little girl, and we knew how lucky we were to have a child at all. On my toughest days, Lawton made it easier. I’m convinced that God knew exactly what I needed to hear: an extra “I love you mommy” or a hug that lasted a little bit longer than usual. Lawton’s laughter broke up the sadness. There are a couple of times I hesitate even writing about because they are so unbelievable, but I know those moments were gifts from God, Him using Lawton to tell me things would be okay. Instead of waking up in the morning and asking why, I began waking up and thanking God for a new day with our little girl. I had a renewed sense of purpose, and it was to be the best Mom I could be to this beautiful child that we were blessed to call ours.

Of course we will always mourn the loss of those babies, of course I wish I had been able to bring them into this world, we would love nothing more than to have another child. I try to trust that if God wants us to have more children, He will show us that when the time is right. In the meantime, I’m surrounded by friends and family who love and support me through these struggles, a beautiful daughter who tells me that I’m her best friend and squeezes me every day, and an incredible husband who is a better friend and partner than I ever thought possible. Grief transforms itself after a certain point, and you start to realize how amazing the good things in your life really are. All of the sudden, you’ll hug tighter, you’ll forgive quicker, you’ll take more deep breaths before you lose your cool, you’ll put your phone down when they ask you to play with them. I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving, I’m not sure if people ever really do, but now, I try my hardest to grieve with a grateful heart.

The Call for Help:

As I was grieving, I was shocked to learn how many women had also experienced a loss. Understandably, this isn’t something that comes up in the hallways at school drop off, but how did I have no idea that some of the women I knew had even lost a baby? As people began opening up to me in an effort to empathize, they themselves began crying. I started to realize, some of these women hadn’t really ever talked about their loss. I know that losing a baby is a very personal thing; everybody grieves differently. I can’t pretend to know how hard it is to lose a baby carried to term, or to birth a baby then lose him or her shortly after. Nevertheless, a loss is a loss and grief is grief. Nobody should have to shoulder that kind of pain by themselves. To me, that’s what makes miscarriage so difficult. When an adult passes, you celebrate their lives. You have family and friends to share the burden of grief with. When a baby that nobody ever got to meet is taken, you feel so alone, even if you’re not. A lot of women feel pressured to keep their grief to themselves, or they feel that the friends who drop a meal on the porch or send flowers and a kind word want that be the end of it. I learned that it doesn’t have to be a silent struggle. You can tell your story; you can heal. People will feel your pain, even if they’ve never felt the pain of losing a baby. People will hold your hand, even if they never got to hold your child. And most importantly, and what made such a difference for me, people will be sad and cry with you. You are not the only one who is mourning; you are not alone. So many women are crying and hurting right now. I hope that this inspires just one woman to start talking because your story could be just what someone needs to hear in order to tell hers. Let’s lighten the load for each other and honor our babies by sharing their stories.

Lawton releasing balloons on Sullivan's Island for our baby boys
Lawton releasing balloons on Sullivan’s Island for our baby boys

12 COMMENTS

  1. Thank you for sharing your story, you are brave to share and I am sorry to hear of your losses. You are right women (and men) are suffering from loss and the question always is why God? My husband lost two baby boys (4 months and 9 months) and he always says but God heals, he brings hope and love into our lives to fill the sadness, we renew our faith in God because we understand that without Him there would be nothing, he calls us to lean into Him, into our childlike faith and know that we are all apart of His plan. Sending you lots of love Megan, praying that you continue to feel the healing love of God and that your friends and family surround you with His love.

    • Thank you, Blaire! I’m so sorry to hear of your husbands loss. I love what you said- “brings hope and love into our lives to fill the sadness”. You are so right!

  2. Megan, thank you for writing about this topic. So many women are suffering in silence and we bump shoulders with them everyday. Wish people would talk about this more. Thinking about you and very proud that you are writing about this. We had one a couple years ago and it took some time to get through. So excited and proud of all you are doing! Xoxo

    • Thanks, Ash! ? I’m so sorry about your loss. Time definitely helps heal, but never quite as quickly as you want it to. It’s terrible how many women go through this by themselves. Hope you guys are well xoxo

  3. Last night I gave birth to our stillborn baby son. He was 21 weeks of perfect and our lives were shattered. One of my friends sent me your blog post to let me know that we were not alone. Thank you for this!!

    • Katie, I’m crying with you and for you right now. My heart breaks, and I am so so sorry. Just like all of our babies, I know your son will forever be a part of your family and have a home in your heart, until you get to meet him again. I know God will show you that in bits and pieces as you grieve as He has done with me, just trust in Him and know that He is holding your sweet boy right now in a place better than any of us can imagine. Hugs and prayers for your family.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I had lost one before my daughter was born so when I got pregnant shortly before she turned 2, I knew it would be just as easy as she was so I, too, was devastated when I suffered two miscarriages that year. I had no idea that that could happen. We may try for another this year but if we end up with just the one, I know we’re still blessed.

  5. I love your last line about sharing our stories and lightening the load for each other. And I’m so sorry for your losses. I recently had a miscarriage (we also have a healthy daughter) and am devastated. It helps me to think that we’ll meet our children in heaven someday. I love your encouragement for women to share their stories. Thank you for sharing yours.

  6. I am so sad for your losses. I am going through something similar and after having two healthy kiddos, I’ve had 2 miscarriages. Supposedly everything is fine with me medically but I’m struggling with the decision of trying again. I don’t want to go through more loss when I have two healthy happy children that I am so thankful for. But I really can’t imagine not having another baby and I’m so scared of more loss. I can totally relate to the idea of “God wouldn’t do this to me again” and now trying to figure out who God is in this.

  7. I had a healthy son and then had miscarriages. Six altogether. I really felt that there could not be a God who would get my hopes up time and time again only to snatch that hope away again and again. Nobody who loved me would allow this to happen. I, too focused on my son and being grateful, and my husband planned a vasectomy and time went by. My husband ended up not getting the operation due to a work conflict, but we decided not to try again, because I truly believed I couldn’t survive another miscarriage with my sanity intact. I wondered about the reasoning of all these people who opposed birth control. Would they have me lose my mind? But time was healing to my mind and my faith. Then when my son was 22, I discovered I was pregnant at 45. We were shocked and scared…I barely dared to hope. At this age? I changed doctors and found one who took a detailed history. She surmised I didn’t have quite enough progesterone to make it to the 10 week stage when the placenta takes over. I took progesterone shots and blood thinners until around 14-16 weeks and I gave birth to a beautiful son who is now a healthy one year old. My other more traditional doctors really discouraged this treatment, but I just wish I had known about it with my other six babies….whose heartbeats I saw and who I already loved. Please get checked out by a progressive doctor if you have had multiple miscarriages…mine was not trained in the US, and said progesterone is used routinely overseas. Do your research online and you’ll find a lot of women who have been able to have babies after multiple miscarriages with these shots. They do hurt a bit, but I would do it again in a second. I am so in love with my sweet baby boy and so is my husband. We feel so blessed to have our two beautiful sons and another chance to be parents. Good luck and God Bless!

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